This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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