Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
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