seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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