Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
