I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
