allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
