We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
