Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
