I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Randomize
