I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
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