Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
