I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
