I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize