meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
you had me at cake vodka
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
