I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
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