Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize