Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
