I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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