He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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