She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
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