I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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