positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize