Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
