Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
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