shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
my being single is dangerous.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
