I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Randomize
