I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Randomize
