Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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