P.S. I can't hear my feet
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Randomize
