I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
