I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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