I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
