I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
