But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
