There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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