We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
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