Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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