dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
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