Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Randomize
