woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
