false alarm. still invincible.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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