I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
