went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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