fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
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