I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize
