last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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