He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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