May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
