I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
no more duck duck goose at the bar
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I forget how to act sober
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
