I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
