life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
My cat gives me a boner
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
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