i just sent this text using only my big toe
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize