just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
