Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
