My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
