I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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