he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Randomize