My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Do you still have your period?
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Randomize
