I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
